Thursday, June 21, 2007

more than a machine

I shut down yesterday. I had no mental or emotional juice left in my system. A nap was only temporary assistance and more than anything just postponed the tears that fell later in the evening.

But my friends gave me a dose of encouragement and I think I'm up and running better today. So far.

I wasn't ready to come back to work. That's no secret. I didn't want to go to bed Sunday night because I knew when I woke up Monday morning I'd have to adjust to a new routine. So I pepped myself up, realized that there are 24 hours a day and on average work only occupies 8 of those five of the seven days a week. OK, there's plenty of time to be a mom, be a wife, be a newspaper reporter. Oh, and maybe I can take care of myself too. Right?

Monday was OK. Then I kind of got mad about it later that night. Tuesday morning was OK. Then I covered a planning commission meeting. I rebounded after telling Greg how I was feeling. Wednesday morning was fine. Then I shut down that afternoon. I couldn't really muster any energy, focus or perspective. So I laid down on the couch. I had to get up to cover a board of zoning adjustments meeting. I cried when I took Cate to Greg's office on the way to city hall. I sat through the meeting and then I cried again when I was at my friends' house eating dinner. Then I came home and cuddled with Greg and went to sleep.

This morning I woke up feeling better. It's three hours into the work day and I still feel better. I think I'm just adjusting.

And, thing is, I'm not a machine. I can't turn on a switch. I'm four days into a totally new phase of my life. Perhaps it's OK to let some tears fall. Maybe those really revamp my soul and help me find perspective.

And all the while my mind knows that Greg is trying to find time to priorities all his business ventures and still keep Cate in the mornings. We're just not ready to pass her off to someone else. Financially, I'm not going to work to pay a daycare bill. We have friends and family who have offered to help, and we're trying to decide when and how to incorporate that into our new schedules. Like I told Greg last night, let's give this some time. Surely we'll figure it out.

Adjusting is draining for me, especially because I wasn't really ready to come back to work. For months we prepared to welcome Cate into our lives. Those first six weeks were amazing, and they were over so fast. I've committed to give this some time and get used to running this way. Hopefully the cranks will keep turning and I can produce my news stories and then go home and be a mom.

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