Friday, February 23, 2007

And I know when I've had enough ...

The wind hit my back, cold as I remember
And caught me off guard, in the middle of December
Sometimes a crowded room, can feel the most alone
Sometimes I wonder why, I won't pick up the phone when

This wall is glaring and it's too high for me to climb
I've ran and ran and now there's nothing left behind
I see a picture of a broken man inside
I've tried and tried and now there's nothing left but time
And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone
And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone

Together we fly tonight
And I leave all of the rest behind
I'll wait for you
These hands can feel like there not even mine
A tree and a nail and a cry in the night
Sometimes a little step is the greatest divide
Sometimes I feel your breath right at my side ...

Here I am at the edge of the road
One hand on the end of the rope
One crack and it breaks alone
Wondering who's gonna take me home
On my knees when you call my bluff
Begging please from the edge of the ruff
And I know when I've had enough, and I know it, and I know it ...

--Mat Kearney in "Wait"

As a resolution of sorts, I made myself some promises at the beginning of the year on how I want my attitude to be. But I don't want to define them as resolutions because it's so much bigger than that. It's about the core of who I am.

Too often I react emotionally and get my feelings hurt and dwell on details that just aren't that important (you all know this ...). So I want to let things go for the sake of the bigger picture. With that, I want to prioritize my marriage and focus on building an even better relationship with Greg.

I really haven't told anyone about these promises because I wanted it to be evident in my actions. I don't know if I'm successfully going that way. You'll have to ask Greg and others are are part of my everyday life. But in my heart I feel like I'm making progress.

We have so much going on with Greg's business really taking off and Cate's birth getting closer. We're moving things around at home and making the pieces fit together, if you will. My work has been busy. There's also big things going on around us: Greg's brother Charles and his family are moving back this way in May and my sister is getting married in August. Life. This is life. And it is good.

I'm enjoying these things. I'm feeling proud of Greg for taking this risk and making it work. I'm feeling grateful that we're settling in as a family. Yet I recognize there is so much more to come. And I'm finally embracing that.

All the while I've realized -- sort of to my ignorant surprise -- that just because I change my attitude toward work, life and play that not everyone's around me has. They may not have made promises to themselves to become better people. Maybe they're happy in their emotional chaos. Somtimes it's frustrating when I think I have the answers for people yet it's not my place to solve their problems. Still, despite other people, I have a commitment to God, to myself, to Greg, and even to these others to uphold my desire to live life with this freedom to rest in peace, take care of my responsibilities and enjoy all the many blessings around me.

And I'll wait for you as I live.

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