Five Things I Learned in January

January and I have a history. 

It's the month I decided to follow Jesus two decades ago, we met Cate's birth mom nine years ago, Greg proposed 14 years ago, Ben's adoption was finalized six years ago, and I was diagnosed with diabetes 12 years ago. In 2012, it was January when decided to adopt a third time, and while we waited more than three years for that to happen, I remember the day God freed me from those fears. Last January, we decided to go on a mission trip to Guatemala, a trip that's still rocking my world.

So, yeah, January. 

Honestly, this January hasn't had big moments. Rather it's been the kind of month where I've felt settled with where I am and who I am. I see God working in the everyday moments. I get teary thinking about all that God has done for us, in Januarys and all the other months of our lives.

In no particular order, here some things I've learned this month ... 

1. Snow days are the best.

Okay, so, really, I'm a summer girl. But if we're going to do winter, let's have some snow days! And then when the snow days are over, let the sun come out and the snow melt. Clearly, I'm an all-or-nothing girl too.

And, yes, I've had snow days before, but we had a couple in one week (the same week the kids already had that Monday off in honor of Martin Luther King Jr.) and having everybody home FOR TWO DAYS PLUS THE WEEKEND was so great.

One snow day was a Wednesday, and then the roads were fine enough for a delayed-start school on Thursday, which worked out well because I needed to go to the grocery. And then more snow came so the kids were off school again Friday. Hello, long weekend! And Greg stayed home Wednesday and Friday too, which is a definite perks of owning his own business.

We played games, ate warm foods, drank hot chocolate, made snow cream, and hung out with neighbor friends. One day our best friends were even here for eight hours. We managed to play five games of various versions of Settlers of Catan while the kids enjoyed each other's company.

The whole third week of January was a sweet balance of each of doing our own things and hanging out together as a family.

2. Swiss Miss Simply Cocoa (Milk Chocolate) is the best packaged hot coca.

I don't drink hot drinks. Not coffee. Not tea. And I used to only want real hot chocolate, like the kind my mother-in-law makes or the kind that comes from a coffee shop. But I bought this on a whim in January. And we liked it so much I bought it again. And, well, those snow days I mentioned gave us ample opportunity to heat some milk to mix with these packets.

3. Strep throat can still happen even when someone doesn't have tonsils. 

Ben, who is 6 years old, and strep throat are not strangers. Since he was 11 months old, he's had it 16 times. But only two of those have been since his tonsils and adenoids were removed nine months ago. So, basically, we've had a good stretch lately.

Ironically, Ben was at the allergist the day before his latest strep diagnosis and the nurse practitioner even looked in his throat, which was red and irritated by the time the pediatrician looked at it. Within hours of leaving the allergist, Ben started running a fever. The pediatrician did say the way the winter weather has been back and forth around here is hard on kids with allergies.

4. Technology makes managing a chronic condition more efficient and fun. 

Medtronic Diabetes has the best customer service of any company I've ever used for anything. When I called to order some glucose sensors (a little piece of technology that is inserts near where my pump is inserted and monitors my blood sugar levels) and the lady told me I could get a free Connect , which is a small Bluetooth device that lets my pump and sensor communicate send data to an app on my phone.

{Read more here about my diabetes diagnosis 12 years ago and what living with a pancreas that doesn't produce insulin in like.}

5. Those DVR shows will have to wait. 

Greg and I started watching "The West Wing" when all our regular shows took a holiday break. Now there are multiple episodes of "Madam Secretary," "Blue Bloods," and "The Blacklist" on the DVR just waiting for us. We can't stop watching Josiah Bartlet and company.

{Speaking of President Bartlet, why is Jed a nickname for Josiah?}
_____________________

I'm linking up with Emily Freeman, like I do at the end of every month. 

{2013} June. July. August. September. October. November. 

{2014} January. February. March. April. May. June. 

July. August. September. October. November. December. 
{2015} January. February. March. April. May. June. 
July. August. September. October. November. December

Want more insights? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

{around here}

This week sort of kicked my butt, so, honestly, I'm glad it's Friday. My calendar was busier than it needed be, but there wasn't really anything I could leave off. I had to tell good friends I couldn't hang out a couple times because I didn't have the mental capacity to do anything else. There was a rough night of sleep (or, lack of sleep, rather ...) followed by an excellent night that gave me fresh perspective and helped me feel like a new person.

Ah, real life with a newborn.

Rachel is doing well. She's the perfect addition to our family. She's going to be one month (!) next week, but for now I want to capture some of what's been going on around here ...

WATCHING :: I'm addicted to "Graceland." No, it's not about Elvis. It's about some undercover federal agents (FBI, immigration, DEA ...) who live and work together. I've been watching it in the mornings and afternoons when I'm at home feeding my baby. And I'm going to need season three to be added to Netflix soon, although I think it's airing in real life on USA, because I finished what's on Netflix this morning.

My DVR has also been recording "Quantico," "The Good Wife," "The Blacklist," "Madam Secretary," "Blue Bloods," and "The Wahlburgers." Clearly I have a show type, mostly. And I like Donnie Wahlberg.

READING :: I recently finished "Double Cross" by DiAnn Mills and started "My Southern Journey: True Stories from the Heart of the South" by Rick Bragg. I'm also in the middle of "A Beautiful Exchange" by Megan Nilsen. But, um, I just told you about my current TV addiction, so, well, that's taken away from my time with books.

EATING :: Y'all I have cooked very little since Rachel has been born. But we've eaten well, thanks to our friends who have been bringing us meals. Such a blessing!

EXPLORING :: I went with Ben's class to a field trip to The Homeplace at Land Between the Lakes. It was a perfectly beautiful day and a fun outing. I wore Rachel in a wrap and she slept though most of the morning.

REMEMBERING :: Newborn days (and nights!) can be exhausting but they're sweet. And I know this season won't last for long. I read an excellent post this week about how even when we reach our Promised Land, there can be hard days. And that's okay, especially when we cling to God. While the article is about the author's experience with a move, her words resonated with some of my adoption experiences throughout the years.

STUDYING :: I missed my every-other-week Bible study meeting this week because I just couldn't have another place to be, but I'm working through the Precept study on Covenants. It's been good.

FORGETTING :: I had a training session in Mayfield (about 30 minutes away) for a new continuous glucose monitor that goes with my new insulin pump. But I got there and realized I forgot one of the key components at home. So I did part of the training that day and then went back two days later.

PLANNING :: I somehow decided I needed to make Christmas plans. That was overwhelming for a tired momma who spent way too much time overthinking things, but I think I have a plan.

CREATING :: Scrapbook pages on the Project Life app. I'm printing some 12x12 for the scrapbooks and some 8x8 for Rachel's baby book. I have some paper stuff in progress on my craft table, but making pages from the palm of my hand is much more convenient right now.

So, what have you been up to?
_____________________
Want more insights? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

How January has changed me

Ask me what my favorite month is and I will tell you May. I love that it’s my birth month and the month I became a momma. I love the weather and how it changes from the beginning to the end. I like that it’s the month when the doors to summer open wide.

But it’s been January that’s changed my life.

Nineteen years ago, I became a Christian on a weekend that epitomized God’s love in a way I’d never experienced and breathed the beginning of true transformation into my heart.

Thirteen years ago, Greg surprised me with a marriage proposal. I said yes, obviously, and we were married later in 2002.

Life-changing news isn’t always good, but I was diagnosed with diabetes 11 years ago.

And then there were two big adoption-related moments. In 2007, we met Cate’s birth mom for the first time in a doctor’s office waiting room. We saw our girl, thanks to the ultrasound. And then we all committed to this adoption plan. In 2010, Ben’s adoption was finalized.

Talk about January and I think back to these things. Perhaps I should stop giving May all the favorite-month credit and realize I wouldn’t be who I am without so many Januarys.

In honor of this, “Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family” will be on sale for 99 cents, starting today and continuing through the end of the month. This ebook is my story. It’s the story of so much brokenness redeemed in ways only God can do.

Yes, it’s about adoption, but it’s also my faith journey. People who have no desire to adopt have been encouraged. I hope you will be encouraged too. {Did you know you can also gift ebooks? Anyone can read a Kindle book with a free app for mobile devices and computers.}

Yes, January is cold and dreary. But God redeems and makes new. And that’s reason enough to celebrate.
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I'm joining others for the weekly Soli Deo Gloria Gathering as well as Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart and Jennifer Dukes Lee's #TellHisStory.

I'm also linking this post with Hearts at Home's Blog Hop at Jill Savage's place. This month she's talking about starting fresh, which is what January reminds me to do. 

Want more stories? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

Living with diabetes

I’ve spent much of this month writing and sharing about adoption around here. But I recently learned November is also National Diabetes Awareness Month. 

For the past decade, I’ve been injecting insulin since my Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis. I was going on 25 and settling into what would become our hometown not even two years into marriage when my doctor – who I met for the first time that day – told me my pancreas wasn’t producing insulin. I needed to be hospitalized to get my 500-something blood sugar down and have a crash course on drawing insulin into syringes, injecting said insulin, monitoring my blood sugar levels, and counting carbohydrates. Every bit of this was new to me.

{Read more about my diagnosis and treatment since in a post from earlier this year.}

I barely read nutrition levels before I spent three days in the hospital learning the basics of diabetes while discovering feeling better – energized, rested – really was possible. I didn’t know I felt so bad until I started feeling good again.

I was scared to leave the hospital. I was scared to manage this disease. I was worried about food choices and insulin intake. I felt burdened by these new responsibilities. But I just did it. The fear drove me to learn and manage and cope.

Thankfully, diabetes doesn’t scare me anymore. Sometimes I think I’ve actually become too comfortable.

I don’t inject insulin with syringes anymore. I wear an insulin pump that mimics a working pancreas. It’s programmed with ratios and formulas that actually give me more freedom – something I was suspicious of before I had a pager-sized device in my pocket or waist band nearly all of the time.

I’ve learned more since January 2004 than I ever did in a high school or college science class. I’ve had doctors care for me in the medical and intellectual ways I needed to move forward and manage this chronic condition in ways I would never be able to do alone. I’ve learned when to best exercise and can nearly always guess at my blood sugar level based on how I feel.

Like anything in life, there’s still room to learn more and do even better caring for myself. So that’s what I’m thinking about this month.
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Want more stories? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

A decade of diabetes

I had lost a ton of weight. I was always thirsty. And my contacts constantly felt dry in my eyes.

Those were my symptoms. For months. For a year at least. Really, probably closer to 18 months. At first I didn't notice. Then I needed to hold on a couple more months until my health insurance kicked in.

I chose a doctor a friend had gone to and liked. And within five minutes of talking to the doctor, I learned I probably had diabetes. She ordered a blood test to confirm, but she told me to go home and pack a bag for the hospital.

I cried. I called Greg. I cried. I called my mom. I cried. My best friend came over. I cried.

I cried because I was scared.
_______
Even on this first day of being a diabetic, I was thankful for my doctor. She was calm and encouraging. And she didn't let me in on just how dangerously high my blood sugar was. I mean, she told me the number, which was in the 500s, but she didn't let me know just how worrisome that was. She also didn't tell me until later about my A1C, which measures the average blood sugar level over the past few months, and how it indicated diabetes had gone undiagnosed in me for quite some time.

Some time in the previous year or maybe even two, my pancreas had stopped working. A virus killing off good cells is the best possible cause, but, really, the reason is a mystery. Turns out, my pancreas doesn't produce insulin and my body was burning fat because it couldn't properly break down sugar, leading to my thirst and hunger issues and weight loss.

I should say here science was my least favorite subject in school, making medical jargon and explanations seem like a foreign language.

Upon my diagnosis a decade ago, I spent three nights in the hospital, where the nurses gradually brought my blood sugar level down with shots of insulin in my upper arm and tended to my dehydrated body with fluids. I learned how to count carbohydrates, give myself insulin shots and monitor my blood sugar levels. I realized our bodies are complex and that addressing this one need helped me feel so much better in every way.

The rule-follower, people-pleaser in me kicked in, giving me enough strength to do what I needed to do for my own good.

For more than 7 1/2 years, I took one kind of insulin every time I eat and another kind each evening. Then in September 2011, I started using an insulin pump, which was such a good decision for me. This change came on the heels of me choosing a new doctor when the one who diagnosed me closed her practice. When I hesitated about his recommendation for pump therapy, he said if I decided do it I'd regret not doing it five years earlier.

Turns out, he was pretty much right.
_______
Then toward the end of 2012, this doctor, who taught me more about how diabetes effected my body than any other doctor before, moved from my small town. I started seeing another primary care physician in the same practice but it hasn't been the same since.

I still go to the doctor every three months to have blood work done so my blood sugar, thyroid function and cholesterol levels can be monitored. But that new doctor {the third, if you're keeping count ...} also recently moved from Murray. I have an appointment in a couple months to see yet another doctor in that practice, but I don't have high hopes she'll teach me like my first two. So tomorrow I have an appointment with an endocrinologist 94 miles away. He comes recommended by two people in the diabetic world I trust.

This doctor situation has been a burden to me. It's frustrating and keeps becoming more and more logistically complicated. Add in the fact I've been having an ongoing arm pain and unexplained hemangioma {a benign vascular tumor of sorts} on a female part, and I'm sort of tired of doctor's appointments.

One doctor recently called me a puzzle. She was talking about the hemangioma.

But she could have been referring to diabetes or arm pain. Nobody can pin down why or when my pancreas decided to stop working. My shoulder has had some inflammation before. But who knows why it decides to flare up when it does.

Talk about embracing imperfection.

I had a good cry ... well, OK, two cries ... earlier this month. Mostly looking at my calendar of doctor's appointment overwhelmed me. But I'm thankful for the way God continues to sustain me and teach me about just how complicated and precise his creations are.
_______
My kids like to watch my change my insulin pump infusion set, fill the new reservoir with insulin from the vial, and prick my finger to check my blood sugar. I know if I go too many days without exercise that my blood sugar rises for several days, giving me headaches. And when I do exercise, I have to take off my insulin pump so my blood sugar doesn't go too low.

I certainly don't manage it perfectly, and I still like to treat myself to sweets {with extra insulin, of course}. But I take care of myself, even though it's frustrating some times. A side effect of insulin is the difficulty losing weight. Yet I have to take it. I've gained more weight back in the past decade than I lost in those months before my diabetes diagnosis.

Like most people, I'm better off to pass on the desserts. But I like food. It's a vicious cycle. Usually I am thankful my chronic condition is one that is manageable. But some days I wish I could have a normally functioning pancreas.

For someone who took the minimum amount of science in high school and college, this last decade has been a crash course in anatomy, biology and even chemistry.

I don't really want to live Jan. 28, 2004, over again. But that diagnosis is part of me. I don't cringe when I give myself a shot or prick my finger. I just do it. Most of the pharmacist technicians at Rite-Aid know my name when I walk in to pick up my diabetes supplies.

Much of those first few days is a blur. But I remember one thing clearly: When I called Greg just a few minutes after I found out, crying, of course, he said, "It's OK, we'll change our lifestyle." He said, "we," and I was reminded I'm married to my one who is willing to live life with me, despite circumstances that may alter the course we thought we were on.

And he's lived by that these past 10 years. He knows when I get irritable there is a good chance my blood sugar is high. He knows if my words start to be confusing and I'm sweating that my blood sugar is too low.

God created me and knows the details of every hormone and organ in my body. I may not know why my pancreas quit working or answers to a list of other health-related questions, but I'm thankful there are ways to continue living this life, my life.
________
This is certainly a real-life look behind the scenes of my life, so I'm linking with Crystal Stine today. 

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{Out of the Blue} A diabetic's journey

Her bedside demeanor was perfect for me when she diagnosed me with Type 1 diabetes in January 2004. I saw her every three months for the next almost six years. She helped me keep my blood sugar levels stable, transition from using syringes to insulin pens, and keep this chronic disease in perception. She was what I needed, and I was so heart broken when she decided to close her internal medicine practice in November 2010.

Not long after she closed her doors, I got pink eye. I hadn't settled on a new doctor and couldn't get in to see the one I thought I wanted to see. With two kids who were 3 1/2 and 1 at the time, waiting 24 hours to get eye drops wasn't wise. With a couple weeks until Christmas, I didn't need pink eye spreading through my house. I settled on someone else that day, but later ended up securing regular patient status with the doctor recommended to me more than once.

Yeah, I know it's Friday. Better late than never, right? 

It was a frustrating season of transition, but this new doctor turned out to be instrumental in improving my diabetes care. I was only his patient from the spring of 2011 until August 2012, when he moved away.

But he taught me so much about this crazy, chronic disease that affects my life and is affected by nearly everything in my life. With his encouragement, I started using an insulin pump in September 2011. {Of course, I never do one thing at a time ... and went on vacation less than a week later!}

I didn't know how I'd feel about having a pager-like device attached to my body via a small tube all of the time, but it's become my best diabetes management tool. I've learned from a couple people on Medtronic's staff and found freedom in having a little device literally at my side.

Transitions aren't always what we want, but sometimes they are part of the journey to something better. One stressful season of settling on a new doctor led me to someone who impacted my life in such a short time and to a piece of technology that truly has changed how I feel and live.
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{January 28, 2004}

Two years ago I wrote a five-part series about how January changed me. Big things have happened in Januarys past and I want to share them again this year as a reminder that God moves. He works when we don't realize how things will come together.


I had lost a ton of weight. I was always thirsty. And my contacts felt dry in my eyes.

Those were my symptoms. For months. For a year at least. Really, probably closer to 18 months. At first I didn't notice. Then I needed to hold a couple more months until my health insurance kicked in.

I chose a doctor a friend had gone to and liked. And within five minutes of talking to the doctor, I learned I probably had diabetes. She ordered a blood test to confirm, but she told me to go home and pack a bag for the hospital.

I cried. I called Greg. I cried. I called my mom. I cried.

I cried because I was scared.

Even on this first day, I was thankful for my doctor. She was calm and encouraging. And she didn't let me in on just how dangerously high my blood sugar was. I mean, she told me the number, which was in the 500s, I believe, but she didn't let me know just how worrisome that was. She also didn't tell me until later about my A1C, which measures the average blood sugar level over the past few months, and how it indicated diabetes had gone undiagnosed in me for quite some time.

Some in the previous year or maybe even two, my pancreas had stopped working. A virus killing off good cells is the best possible cause, but, really, the reason is a mystery. Turns out, my pancreas doesn't produce insulin and my body was burning fat because it couldn't properly break down sugar, leading to my thirst and hunger issues and weight loss.

I spent three nights in the hospital, where the nurses gradually brought my blood sugar level down with shots of insulin in my upper arm and tended to my dehydrated body with fluids. I learned how to count carbohydrates, give myself insulin shots and monitor my blood sugar levels. I realized our bodies are complex and that addressing this one need helped me feel so much better in every way.

For more than 7 1/2 years, I took one kind of insulin every time I eat and another kind each evening. Then in September 2011, I started using an insulin pump, which was such a good decision for me. This change came on the heels of me choosing a new doctor when the one who diagnosed me closed her practice. When I hesitated about his recommendation for pump therapy, he said if I decided do it I'd regret doing it five years earlier. I'm not sure about the five years, but I know he was right about me wishing I'd done it sooner!

I still go to the doctor every three months to have blood work done so my blood sugar, thyroid function and cholesterol levels can be monitored. Doctor #2 moved from my small-town, so I just started seeing another primary care physician and am looking into adding an endocrinologist for an annual visit. My kids like to watch my change my insulin pump infusion set, fill the new reservoir with insulin from the vial, and prick my finger to check my blood sugar. I know if I go too many days without exercise that my blood sugar rises for several days, giving me headaches. And when I do exercise, I have to take off my insulin pump so my blood sugar doesn't go too low.

I certainly don't manage it perfectly, and I still like to treat myself to sweets {with extra insulin, of course}. But I take care of myself, even though it's frustrating some times. A side effect of insulin is the difficulty losing weight. Yet I have to take it. So, like most people, I'm better off to pass on the desserts. But I like food. It's a vicious cycle. Usually I am thankful my chronic condition is one that is manageable. But some days I wish I could have a normally functioning pancreas.

I don't really want to live Jan. 28, 2004, over again. But it's part of me. I don't cringe when I give myself a shot or prick my finger. I just do it. Most of the pharmacist technicians at Rite-Aid know my name when I walk into pick up my diabetes supplies.

Much of those few days is a blur. But I remember one thing clearly: When I called Greg just a few minutes after I found out, crying, of course, he said, "It's OK, we'll change our lifestyle." He said, "we," and I was reminded I'm married to my best friend who is willing to live life with me, despite circumstances that may alter the course we thought we were on.

And he's lived by that these past nine years. He knows when I get irritable there is a good chance my blood sugar is high. He knows if my words start to be confusing and I'm sweating that my blood sugar is too low.

God created me and knows the details of every hormone and organ in my body. I may not know why my pancreas quit working, but I'm thankful there are ways to continue living this life, my life.
_______
This is the last in a five-part series about how January changed me. Want more? Subscribe to get "Insights" in your inbox. Or follow me on Twitter.

{Maine} Pumping on the Go

I told the security lady at Nashville's airport that I was wearing an insulin pump before I walked through the screening checkpoint ahead of my two kids who had been freed from the double stroller for security purposes. She nodded and told me to step over to a guy who was going to check my hands.

I still have no idea what he swabbed my hands for, but he said, "So do you have a Medtronic pump?"

"Yes. I've been wearing it less than a week," I volunteered on what was the early part of my fifth full day wearing a device that works as an external, mechanical pancreas.

He surprised me when his response was about how he'd been wearing an insulin pump for seven years. "You'll get so used to it that you won't think about it until you have to enter your carbs. Counting carbs is the most important thing."

I felt at ease as I walked away from him on the first leg of my day-long journey to Maine. I still had no clue why he had wiped my hands. But I felt good about the pump in my jeans pocket.

And, really, other than an exception that involved too much snacking on sweet treats while sitting in the van while going from Ellsworth, Maine, to Boston, I've had blood sugar readings that affirmed insulin pump therapy is welcome in my life. Even when life goes on the road, the pump provides freedom in its convenience. I spent my 10-day vacation on the go. The pump just went along with me and I often didn't think a thing about my new friend Izzy tagging along.

I'm posting about our vacation as I have time. I took a lot of pictures in Maine. You can see them here. The blog installments are here.
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Meet my insulin pump ...

I started wearing an insulin pump on Monday evening. It's like a mechanical pancreas that is connected to me most all of the time. Yes, having it attached to me constantly was my biggest hesitation, but less than 48 hours in I'm already seeing why people love this way of managing diabetes.

Diagnosed as a Type 1 Diabetic more than seven years ago, I have had far more good days than bad days. But it's a chronic condition with so many variable to attempt to balance. And, honestly, this summer was rough. I had lots of unexplained ups and downs. I adjusted insulin doses {with the help of my doctor} and started trying harder to pinpoint problems.

As I learned more about insulin and my body, I decided Lantus, a long-acting insulin that is suppose to maintain blood sugar levels throughout a 24-hour period, was giving me trouble because I took a dose every night. Some days that dose was the right amount. Other days it was too much. I'd go low in the morning and then have my blood sugar spike up in the afternoon.

My doctor encouraged me to think about changing to pump therapy, which uses just fast-acting insulin, like what I've been taking at meal times. Small doses of Humalog are injected throughout the day. The pump allows for various settings that can be tweaked should I require different amounts of insulin in the mornings and afternoons. Before I could only inject full units at time, but the pump can inject fractions of a unit to be more precise.

The pump remembers my carb-to-insulin ratio so when I enter the number of carbohydrates I'm eating it can calculate how much insulin I need. My glucose monitor communicates my blood sugar readings to the pump, which knows the range I'd like to have my blood sugar. Should I need more insulin to bring a high down or less insulin to keep it from going lower, the pump calculates that along with what I need to cover the carbs I'm eating. It's just math, but it's nice to have the equations figured out and information stored on my mechanical pancreas in my jeans pocket.

It's going to be a good friend, I can tell. Perhaps I should give her a name.

It attaches to my abdomen like this. There are different infusion sets, but I chose the Sure-T set for a couple reasons. Unlike the others that use a plastic cannula to deliver insulin, mine uses a small steel needle. It also that extra loop of tubing that I thought would help if the small hands in my life pulled on the tubing. It tugs on the adhesive that doesn't include the needle {left side in picture} rather than pulling directly on the needle site {right side in picture}. And it doesn't require anything extra to inject it, like the other one I was thinking about. I figured the less I had to haul around, the better for the weight of my purse with diapers, wipes, my wallet, sippy cups, snacks, glucose monitor ... and whatever else makes it in for a trip to the grocery store, a weekend away, or a play date with a friend. I guess the one drawback is because it's a needle, I have to change it ever two days, rather than every three days like the other sets.

I can disconnect from the pump for short periods of time to shower or swim. When I do, this is what is left ...

It's waterproof and I don't really even feel it. When I'm ready to resume, I reattach the pump to the part on the left of the above picture. And go on about my life. Diabetes is always going to be part of my life, but I don't want it to define my moods or steal my joy.

So welcome to my life, Izzy the Insulin Pump. I hope you're everything I want you to be.
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He reigns

I was cranky this morning thinking about my week while I was getting ready for church. Mostly, I was thinking about how my husband is going to be gone overnight one night. Really, I don't think I'll ever like going to bed without him home. I'm also going to start using an insulin pump. I'm really excited and I have high hopes that it's going to help my diabetes management. But some nervousness set in because I have a love-hate relationship with change.

And then I said it out loud to my husband: "I am sorry I was cranky because I was anticipating the busyness and you being gone one night. I know I have a bad habit of stressing about things that haven't even happened yet. I'm done doing that for now."

So I gave my week up to Somebody who really knows what he's doing. And not long after I was encouraged with every single song we sang at church. He reminds me time and time again that he's in the details.

It's all God's children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns ...

He reigns over my days and over my plans and over my emotions. And I know the peace that passes all understanding when I let him be King.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender ...
Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save ...

He conquered the grave. And he conquers every insecurity and worry that crosses my mind. He is mighty to save. Yes, he's preparing a place for me in heaven, but he's also saving me over and over again as I live my life here. He saves me from a permanent state of crankiness and disappointment and worry.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God ...

He's greater than my concerns that busyness is encroaching our time as a family. He's greater than my to-do list and responsibilities. He's greater than me and all the times I don't handle things as well I wish I did.

Thankfully, my heart and head are full right now of thoughts of how our God is greater and mighty to save. And, yes, he reigns. Even when I feel crankiness coming, he's reigning and waiting for me to give it all to him, again.
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Craving information, the diabetic version

I wore this small piece of technology on my stomach for three days this week. And, yes, I took a picture to show you.

More than seven years ago, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, meaning I'm dependent on insulin to maintain "normal" blood sugar levels. I take one kind of insulin each night and I take another kind with each meal. I check my blood sugar with a little finger stick at least six times day.

And most days it doesn't bother me.

But, lately, this chronic condition of mine has been making me crazy. My blood sugar levels have been up and down, often without obvious explanation. Not only is this frustrating to my perfectionist tendencies, but it also makes me feel lethargic and irritable when it's high and shaky and absent-minded when it's low. And the fluctuation leaves me with a headache.

So I went to my new-to-me doctor for help. And help he was. We had an informative, encouraging conversation about how quick-acting insulin peaks, how fat slows the digestion of food, my dosage of long-acting insulin and about many other variables, including physical stress from the fluctuating numbers and how my body protects itself during the lows.

It was information overload, in a good way.

Part of his help was gathering information in that little plastic contraption. With just a tiny, tiny catheter in my stomach, it automatically monitored my blood sugar a few times each hour I was wearing it. This means while I was exercise, while I was parenting my small, busy children, while I was eating and while I was sleeping. All of that information will be downloaded to my nurse's computer and the information overload will continue. In a good way.

There will be a line graph of what my blood sugar did over those three days. We'll be able to see if there are trends at certain times of the day, even though I already know my blood sugar tends to run high in the afternoons. We'll be able to make adjustments in insulin doses, possibly the amount but more likely the timing of the injections. We'll be able to talk more.

And maybe, hopefully, I'll get back to having diabetes management be just part of my life and not overshadow everything I'm trying to do as a wife, momma, friend, daughter, aunt and sister. I'd prefer to be consumed by these other parts of who I am.
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Balloon of joy

Most people get excited for the throwed rolls or large quantities of food at Lambert's. My kids ate rolls and other food I ordered, but they were most excited by the large balloons ...

And the balloons were still a hit this morning. Ah, the simple pleasures in life.

Speaking of life, I've been surprised with more down time than I anticipated this week. With storms in the forecast, we didn't end up going to Venture River on Wednesday. It's been nice to move at a slower-than-expected pace. It's given me time to work on some projects here at home and regroup, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I haven't felt super because my blood sugar levels have been fluctuating more than normal, which has prompted headaches and some lethargic afternoons. Hopefully I can figure out a trend and make necessary adjustments. Having a chronic condition is frustrating at times. Many days I live a normal life, full of making plans, chasing kids, managing a household, enjoying my community of friends and family, dreaming and writing, all while managing my insulin injections and blood sugar readings. But lately there have been days when I feel like diabetes is stealing some of my joy.

That's not how I want to live. Yes, I want to take care of myself, but I want to live life fully. Like I'm holding onto a great big, pink balloon.
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Fiction meets reality

Image from IMDb.com

In all the TV shows I've watched, I don't remember seeing being a character diagnosed with diabetes be a story line. Until Claudia Joy on "Army Wives." I'm in season 3, thanks to Netflix. {So no spoilers of upcoming seasons.}

As a diabetic, I was glad to see this plot, the emotions attached to it and the education sprinkled in the entertaining drama. Claudia Joy, a perfectionist control freak like me, didn't want her friends to know about her diagnosis. Her nurse friend discovered her news when Claudia Joy collapsed from having too much insulin in her body.

When I was diagnosed more than seven years ago, I clung to my community. I wanted people to know because I was scared. When texting my dear friend Jaclyn, who recently watched "Army Wives" about the diabetes plot, she text back, "Glad you didn't handle it like she does." And I'm glad I didn't have to handle it alone.

While watching fictional Claudia Joy struggle with accepting her new reality, I was taken back to those initial feelings. Then I thought about my current struggles. It's been a rocky few weeks with up and down blood sugar levels, meaning ups and downs with how I feel too. Perhaps I've grown to comfortable with managing this chronic condition that is certainly part of who I am. There's always room for improvement.

I hope Claudia Joy realizes how helpful her community can be. I don't know how I would have dealt with my diagnosis without my friends and family. And, really, I'm not sure where I'd be today without them. Speaking of today, I ate some chocolate cake, and it was delicious. But I know desserts are one thing I need less of, no matter how much insulin I inject to cover the sugar. Because ultimately the less insulin I take, the better.

So while I work on that, I'll stay tuned to see how Claudia Joy handles her story.
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January 28, 2004

I had lost a ton of weight. I was always thirsty. And my contacts felt dry in my eyes.

Those were my symptoms. For months. Really, probably closer to 18 months. At first I didn't notice. Then I needed to hold a couple more months until my health insurance kicked in.

I chose a doctor a friend had gone to and liked. And within five minutes of talking to the doctor, I learned I probably had diabetes. She ordered a blood test to confirm, but she told me to go home and pack a bag for the hospital.

I cried. I called Greg. I cried. I called my mom. I cried.

I cried because I was scared.

Even on this first day, I was thankful for my doctor. She was calm and encouraging. And she didn't let me in on just how dangerously high my blood sugar was. I mean, she told me the number, which was in the 500s, I believe, but she didn't let me know just how worrisome that was. She also didn't tell me until later about my A1C, which measures the average blood sugar level over the past few months, and how it indicated diabetes had gone undiagnosed in me for quite some time.

Some in the previous year or maybe even two, my pancreas had stopped working. A virus killing off good cells is the best possible cause, but, really, the reason is a mystery. Turns out, my pancreas doesn't produce insulin and my body was burning fat because it couldn't properly break down sugar, leading to my thirst and hunger issues and weight loss.

I spent three nights in the hospital, where the nurses gradually brought my blood sugar level down with shots of insulin in my upper arm and tended to my dehydrated body with fluids. I learned how to count carbohydrates, give myself insulin shots and monitor my blood sugar levels. I realized our bodies are complex and that addressing this one need helped me feel so much better in every way.

I take one kind of insulin every time I eat and I take another kind each evening. I go to the doctor every three months to have blood work done so my blood sugar, thyroid function and cholesterol levels can be monitored. I know if I go too many days without exercise that my blood sugar rises for several days, giving me headaches.

I certainly don't manage it perfectly, and I still like to treat myself to sweets [with extra insulin, of course]. But I take care of myself, even though it's frustrating some times. A side effect of insulin is the difficulty losing weight. Yet I have to take it. So, like most people, I'm better off to pass on the desserts. But I like food. It's a vicious cycle. Usually I am thankful my chronic condition is one that is manageable. But some days I wish I could have a normally functioning pancreas.

I don't really want to live Jan. 28, 2004, over again. But it's part of me. I don't cringe when I give myself a shot or prick my finger. I just do it. Most of the pharmacist technicians at Rite-Aid know my name when I walk into pick up my diabetes supplies at least once a month.

Much of those few days is a blur. But I remember one thing clearly: When I called Greg just a few minutes after I found out, crying, of course, he said, "It's OK, we'll change our lifestyle." He said, "we," and I was reminded I'm married to my best friend who is willing to live life with me, despite circumstances that may alter the course we thought we were on.

And he's lived by that these past seven years. He knows when I get irritable there is a good chance my blood sugar is high. He knows if my words start to be confusing and I'm sweating that my blood sugar is too low.

God created me and knows the details of every hormone and organ in my body. I may not know why my pancreas quit working, but I'm thankful there are ways to continue living this life, my life.
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This is the last in a five-part series about how January changed me.

this week

What a strange week it's been, and, really, it's far from over. Let's just start at the beginning ...

I accidentally broke my iPhone on Sunday night when it fell out of my hand and crashed screen-down in the Kroger parking lot.

I spent a couple hours Monday dealing with my phone drama. First, the sales guy at the local AT&T store frustrated me, then my sweet mother-in-law let me borrow a used Blackberry she had at her house so I had to figure out to clear off my late father-in-law's information so I could load my contacts. Then, of course, I had to figure out how to make calls, receive calls and texts.

Between not having a phone and borrowing a phone, I took Cate to get a flu shot. The experience actually wasn't near as bad as I figured it would be. I promised a treat if all went well with the shot. She wanted a "big Tootsie Roll" but had to settle for gummy worms because the store didn't have anything other than an enormous bag of miniature Tootsie Rolls.

Cate ended up not feeling well at preschool on Tuesday, so I picked her up early.

The time-consuming phone drama carried over to Tuesday afternoon, when I talked to some nice people at the national AT&T customer service, who talked to me about my contract and when I can upgrade to a new iPhone and then how to get my father-in-law's e-mail account off the phone and mine on the phone.

Then later Tuesday afternoon I took my sickly daughter to the pediatrician's office, where her ear infection and hay fever were confirmed. At least she wasn't contagious, right?

Sometime at the beginning of the week, I got congested. Both my kids have had runny noses for several days too. So Wednesday when we woke up, Cate, Ben and I were pretty puny. Cate was recovering from her ear infection. Ben had a stomach bug that was producing some nasty diapers. And I had a really heavy, congested head.

I ended up calling the pediatrician's office about Ben, but you all have already heard about that. I had to keep a list of medications and when I was giving them to my children because I didn't want to forget who or what or when or how much.

Today I woke up ready to conquer the day ... and the presents I have left to wrap for Christmas with my mother-in-law, brothers-in-laws, sisters-in-law, nieces and nephew. I got Cate to preschool, and then I went to walk. Walking also included talking on the phone with Katie, who I'm missing more than usual these days. I needed that conversation, and I'm thinking she did too. While making my last couple laps around the walking track at the basketball arena, I noticed my contact being out of placed, so I kept pushing it around and messing with my eye.

Next, I carried three packages, two letters, a Netflix DVD and my 1-year-old son into the Post Office. I managed to scratch my eye when I was in there, although thinking back, I have no idea how I even reached it with all of that in my arms. Even so, when I did, there was some eye gunk on my finger.

That's when I first realized it probably wasn't my contact that was irritating my eye. So as soon as I got back in the van, I looked in the mirror. Yep. Pink eye. The white parts of my right eye were entirely pink. And more gunk was forming in the corner of my eye.

Lovely.

Long story short: I called the doctor I was going to start using since my regular doctor who I've seen every three months since she diagnosed me with Type 1 diabetes in January 2004 closed her practice last month to become a hospitalist in another town. But he or anyone else in his practice couldn't see me today. Tomorrow morning was an option though. I kindly informed the receptionist that I have two small kids and waiting for eye drops didn't seem like a good idea for me. I also was thinking about how my eye needs to be clear by Saturday when we have our Taylor Christmas parties. Yes, parties. Plural.

So I called my husband crying. I didn't know where to go. I just wanted to feel better. This has been a long week. Blah. Blah. Blah. He took charge of the situation and called our ob/gyn friend who has practiced medicine for a long time in this small-town community for a recommendation. My sweet husband even picked Cate up from preschool because I didn't think walking into a building filled with 3- and 4-year-old kids was really a good idea with my eye looking like it did, and, well, still does.

I took our friend's recommendation. And long story that was supposed to be short: I got an appointment today, liked the nurse practitioner so much that I scheduled my next diabetes check-up appointment with her, and have since started using the eye drops I'm thankful to have.

While looking at my calendar this afternoon and chatting with a friend, I realized we have one free night between tomorrow and Christmas Eve. I need to be well. I want my kids to be well. So here's to hoping that our week ends a little different from how it started.

walking shoes

Unfortunately, I had to trade my walking shoes for rain boots today.

Let me back up, I wanted to join a gym a few weeks ago. Mostly because I'd like to lose a few pounds and have some motivation to stay active. I found what I thought was the perfect option in an aerobics class that met from 8 to 9 a.m. three days a week. Included in the family membership was childcare. Well, I got my hopes up too soon. Turns out the childcare is more for toddlers and not so much for infants. So, maybe next year.

But I was briefly discouraged.

I brainstormed other possibilities. I already walk with my best friend most weekdays, but between kids' routines, mommas' commitments and her pregnancy, I don't always walk as much or as often as I'd like ... well, more so, need.

As you probably know, I am an insulin-dependent diabetic. I was diagnosed as an adult, so I guess in some ways I'm still learning the effects this chronic disease has on my everyday life. One of the struggles for me has been insulin and how one of its side effects is complicating weight loss. So a vicious cycle can easily trap me. If I eat high-carb foods, I have to take more insulin. And I've realized lately I cope with stress by eating. Stress also causes blood sugar levels to rise. When my blood sugar is high, I have to take insulin. The more insulin I take, the harder it is to lose weight and, in fact, insulin can be blamed for some weigh gain. And then I have to take more insulin because I put on a few pounds ...

And, remember, I welcomed a new baby the week of Thanksgiving [when excessive eating is part of the celebration] and then had a couple overwhelming weeks adjusting to being a mother of two.

See where I'm going?

Exercise can interrupt the cycle because it helps lower blood sugar levels and relieve stress. So if I eat right AND exercise, I'm really interrupting the vicious cycle. And I feel better. Physically. And emotionally.

The emotion part is especially helpful as I care for a baby and a toddler and try to be a pleasant wife. And just ask Greg, he can tell you when my blood sugar is high. I get especially irritated and snippy. It's obvious when it's too low because I break out into a sweat and start talking in confused, broken sentences.

I'm in a much more peaceful place as a momma, so that alone is helping everything in my life. But I didn't want to stop there. I wanted to join a gym. I wanted to exercise with some accountability and have some affordable, convenient childcare. Well, my plan didn't work out, like I said. So I decided I was just going to walk more. I love walking with Jaclyn, but I'm capable of lacing up my tennis shoes, loading the kids in the stroller and walking.

That's what I've done this week. Well, that's what I've done on the two days the weather has been on my side. I've walked to Rite-Aid (twice ...), the pediatrician's office, the library and Quizno's. I figure if I can develop the habit now, then maybe, just maybe, when it's 90 degrees and humid, I won't think too much of the sweat pouring down my back.

And, no worries, I still plan to walk [and talk!] with Jaclyn. But I've realized this week that our house is strategically located in walking proximity of many, many places.

Now, if I could just do something about the rain ...

January

I know next week is March. February has really gotten away from me. Last night while laying in bed, I was thinking about how January continues to be packed with significant dates in our life. I've posted about this before. But I wanted to add Ben's adoption finalization to the ever-growing list ...

Jan. 23, 2002 - Greg proposed.

Jan. 28, 2004 - I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

Jan. 20, 2006 - I was diagnosed with endometriosis, one of the complications in why we couldn't/haven't gotten pregnant, after a minimally-invasive laparoscopy surgery.

Jan. 18, 2007 - We met Cate's birth mother for the first time at a doctor's office in Bloomington, Ind., and saw Cate for the first time on an ultrasound.

Jan. 27, 2010 - Ben's adoption was finalized two months and four days after he was born.

And, now, back to February ...

A busy, busy week ...

... of course, I should have thought about that when I scheduled all these appointments. Just so happens that Ben's two-month shots and check-up appointments fall the same time as my three-month diabetes check-up with my doctor. Of course, I have to get blood work done a few days before my appointment. So that's two visits. And our insurance doesn't fully cover Ben's immunizations, so it's more economical to go to the health department, dividing up his two-month appointments. Good thing my friend Courtney and I made some freezer meals last week. That helps with the meal planning. Now, if I just remember to thaw out everything at the appropriate times.

The highlight, obviously, is Wednesday morning when we have our final adoption hearing!

my own sort of time travel

For most of Lost's quantum leaping fifth season, the show has meditated on the idea of changing the past for the sake of a better future. And for the past several episodes, we've gotten stories that have dealt with the notion that personal and collective histories can be boiled down to defining moments — Sayid shooting Ben; Kate and Sawyer bringing Ben to the Others; Ben defying Charles Widmore and swiping Baby Alex. These stories have invited both the characters and the audience to wonder: What might happen if those defining moments were tweaked, altered, or removed altogether? --Doc Jensen about Lost episode "Some Like It Hoth"

Prompted by the mysteries of Lost and reconnecting via Facebook with most everyone I've ever known, I've been in a reminiscing mood. It's pretty easy for me to do. I relate places to people and music to moments.

The taste of circus peanuts take me back to my best friend's house. Even though we counted more than once, I can't remember how many steps it was from her house to mine. But I'll never forget how close we were as next-door neighbors and continue to be as life-long friends.

I remember watching "G.I. Jane" the night before I left for college and while I don't remember the movie very well, I can still feel my conflicting emotions about beginning my new phase of life. And when I hear "Lie on Our Graves" by Dave Matthews, I'm immediately taken back to the summer I was 19 years old and two of my friends sat on the couch in my parents' living room singing/playing an impromptu rendition that I still like replaying in my mind. Indigo Girls and Dave Matthews were the soundtrack to my college years, and I can still hear Greg telling me how much he wished we could listen to something else.

Steak-n-Shake is the scene of two sets of memories involving two groups of friends. The hot-potato game Catchphrase will always take me back to ringing in 2003 with friends in Lexington, even though I've played many times since then. My interview at the Ledger & Times in 2003 is clear, both my outfit and my mixed thoughts about whether I'd take the job if it was offered. Turns out it was offered, and despite my hesitations, I loved doing that job.

Thankfully, scared isn't an emotion I've experienced often, but I remember calling my mom and my husband to tell them the doctor diagnosed me with Type 1 Diabetes and was admitting me to the hospital. They both reassured me and made plans to come take care of me. And I remember that after three days of learning about insulin, needles, carbohydrates and blood sugar levels, going to a Murray State basketball game when I was allowed to leave the hospital was a good plan because I could stopping worrying for a couple hours and cheer. I don't remember who the Racers played, but I remember the escape not working, as I made a grocery list in my mind and worried about the days to come. Now, injecting insulin every time I eat is second nature.

It was December 2004 when I stopped taking birth control pills. But it's the doctor's appointments, blood work and conversations of infertility that remain fresh in my mind. I remember my most emotional breakdown at my dear friend's baby shower; I felt safe even though I crumbled emotionally in many, many pieces. And, thankfully, I remember our decision to adopt and car ride home from our reproductive endocrinologist in Nashville, where we left our treatments and trusted God on the next segment of the journey to Cate.

I was never as alert when woken from sleep as I was when Cate's birth mom called at 5:45 a.m. (central time) to tell us that her water broke. I've never gotten dressed and out of the house faster and more prepared than I did that Sunday morning. Although it was surreal, I relive those hours in the hospital often, especially the ones that included a dark-haired baby in my arms.

And I'm certain "Finding Nemo" will forever take me back to today, when I have a toddler who has befriended the fictional fish, among other animals.

Looking back, I'm sure I would have handled some of those defining moments differently. In some cases, I would have said more; in others, less words probably would have been wiser. I'm sure I would have complained less and rejoiced more. Regardless, I'm sitting here as the person I am because of those moments, and, more importantly, the people in them.

While I've never traveled to a time before I was born and seen how events played out to eventually influence my life, and certainly have never been stranded on an mysterious island with strangers who became friends and enemies, depending on the day. But, still, somehow I can relate to the recent theme of Lost: What happened then influenced today, and today will influence tomorrow. The thought of changing a detail or two is tempting, but, really, if life didn't happen like it did, I may not be me.

January

I used to think January was a boring month. As much as I like new starts + fresh slates + new calendars, it seemed like a bore following Thanksgiving + Christmas + all the preparations between.

But then, several years ago, January became a pivotal month in my life ...

Jan. 23, 2002 - Greg proposed.

Jan. 28, 2004 - I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

Jan. 20, 2006 - I was diagnosed with endometriosis, one of the complications in why we couldn't/haven't gotten pregnant, after a minimally-invasive laparoscopy surgery.

Jan. 18, 2007 - We met Cate's birth mother for the first time at a doctor's office in Bloomington, Ind., and saw Cate for the first time on an ultrasound.