14 years together

Oh, we had no idea the adventures to come ... 

Greg bought me a new dishwasher for our anniversary.

That statement alone sounds like we have a rather boring life. But, really, I’m craving some normal after an adventurous summer. And what screams everyday normal more than a dishwasher?

My husband’s let’s-live-in-the-country dream came true when we moved in June. And I’m loving that his dream because part of our family’s story. Since moving, we’ve been on three trips – four nights in Buffalo, three nights in St. Louis, and now we are in the midst of a week with my family at Hilton Head.

Our summer has been full of packing and unpacking, getting settled enough before the next adventure, while tending to our everyday responsibilities. And our summer pretty much epitomizes our marriage.

It’s been 14 years since we said “I do” and then started sweating as soon as we walked outside. (August, people.) It’s been 14 years since we started journeying through the everyday moments between big adventures ... together.

We’ve fought and negotiated. We’ve learned to communicate better and have a rhythm that works for us. Like so many other parts of life, the best comes on the heels of the hard. I’ve liked {our} marriage more and more the longer we’ve been together.

We repeat the same jokes and usually laugh at them. We like to adventure away from home and in our back yard. Parenting has strengthened our marriage, even in the messes and noise. And we like to be together.

This is our recipe for life: Take some adventure and then mix in some normal moments. {Tweet that.} And, you know, sometimes he even unloads the dishwasher for me.

Happy anniversary, husband. Here’s to many other adventures, but let’s have some nights at home too.
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Want to read other anniversary posts? Five years. Six years. Seven years. Nine years. Ten years. Eleven years. Twelve years. Thirteen years.
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An InLinkz Link-up

13 Songs for 13 Years

Like a baker’s dozen, Greg and I have been married 13 years. Something about THIRTEEN seems big and monumental. Of course, we’re the same couple that went on a big anniversary trip to Mexico for our 11th anniversary. Apparently we don’t mark milestones like everyone else.

But we’re in this life – the ordinary moments and the milestones – together.

And that’s what matters.

Marriage was hard in the beginning. I brought so much emotional baggage. I was naïve and controlling – except I couldn’t control Greg or our relationship, even though I tried. I resisted change and dug in my heels. I blamed him for things – so many things – that weren’t his fault. I fought internally with trying to forgive people and let go of things that happened long before I became Mrs. Taylor yet continued to seep into my marriage.

And then we tried to conceive a baby and couldn’t – and not because we didn’t try. In trying, my emotions splattered all over the place. Our marriage was tense again.

But then we let go of trying. In that moment, the peace that passes our understanding came. We ended up holding our daughter less than nine months later, thanks to adoption. And we ended up adopting again 30 months later. Now we’re in the midst of another adoption process.

Our family has grown in ways only God could orchestrate. And in that journey, my faith grew and my marriage found itself settling on a firmer foundation than before. I knew Jesus when I said “I do” on Aug. 3, 2002, but I still hadn’t let the savior of the world into some of the deepest places in my soul.

My faith is a work in progress, but God promises to finish this thing he’s started in me. Really, I feel the same about my marriage. What began as two stubborn, first-born people trying to merge their lives has become a testimony of the God who unifies.

Greg and I like adventures together – and I like to be in charge of the radio and playlists as we go. We laugh often and fight less these days. We’ve bungy jumped while tethered together. We’ve sat together in roller coasters, airplanes, minivans, and an Amtrak car. We’ve traveled around the country and even across the ocean. We’ve seen the blue seas and ancient ruins in Greece, experienced New Zealand, and served together in Guatemala. We have plans and dreams and plenty of inside jokes.

This is our life – the one that looks nothing like I expected but has surprised me in the best ways. That’s adventure for you. And marriage is certainly an adventure. I’m grateful for where we are, how we got here, and where we’re going – together.
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To celebrate, here are 13 songs that take me back through our years together.

1. "The Sign" by Ace of Base :: This one is all Greg. Perhaps one of the most surprising things I learned about him early on was his love of this song.

2. "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden :: "When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you, give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart. Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall, lift you up and fly away with you into the night. If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn, you're not alone."

3. "A Page is Turned" by Bebo Norman :: Our friends played this song in our wedding. I still love it. "Where the God of second chance will pick them up and he'll let them dance through a world that is not kind. And all this time, they're sharing with the one that holds them up when they come undone, beneath the storm, beneath the sun. And once again, here you stand.”

4. "When You Say Nothing At All" by Alison Krauss :: We danced to this at our wedding. And I use the word “dance” lightly. I don’t really do much of that. Okay, none at all, really.

5. "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson :: This was in our road trip playlist for a while because Greg really likes it. Okay, so I do too. But it’s funnier he does.

6. "I Don't Wanna Wait" by Paula Cole :: Um, "Dawson’s Creek." Enough said. Oh, and for the record, I liked that Joey chose Pacey but Greg is still wishing she ended up with Dawson.

7. "Dancing in the Minefields" by Andrew Peterson :: “We went dancing in the minefields. We went sailing in the storm. And it was harder than we dreamed, but I believe that's what the promise is for. ‘I do’ are the two most famous last words. The beginning of the end. But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin. 'Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down. And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found.”

8. "Some Nights" by Fun. :: This song reminds us of the Cardinals winning the World Series in 2011. Watching sports is certainly something we like to do together.

9. "Stuck Like Glue" by Sugarland :: Greg doesn’t like when white women rap. Again, this is straight from the road trip playlist at some point.

10. "Multiplied" by NEEDTOBREATHE :: I liked NEEDTOBREATHE for a year before Greg decided to jump on board. But then we went to a concert together in Nashville in September 2014 and it was amazing. We particularly loved this song, although I could have picked from several. And then NEEDTOBREATHE released a new album THAT WAS A RECORDING OF THE CONCERT. Such a sweet gift to us. Then we saw the band again this summer in St. Louis.

11. "Sometimes By Step" by Rich Mullins :: This was the theme song of the weekend in 1996 when I accepted Christ in my life. And now Greg sometimes sings it to our kids at bedtime. Sweet memories.

12. "When I Get Where I'm Going" by Brad Paisley with Dolly Parton :: Greg’s dad passed away unexpectedly in April 2010 and this was on the songs at his funeral. That season was hard in many ways, but grieving also taught me about community. So many people came alongside us.

13. "Only Hope I've Got" by Ellie Holcomb :: Again, like with NEEDTOBREATHE, Greg became a fan well after I told him he’d like her. “I don’t want to tell some arrogant story or let myself believe I'm you. I don't want to be a thief who's stealing Your glory. Will You help remind me of what is true? The only hope I've got, it's You …”

You can listen to the playlist on Spotify ...


Do you mark your life with songs? I'd love to hear about some meaningful ones.
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Want to read other anniversary posts? Five years. Six years. Seven years. Nine years. Ten years. Eleven years. Twelve years.

I'm linking up at the weekly Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood Gathering. 

Want more insights? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

What I Learned in Guatemala

“O my people, listen to my instructions. Open your ears to what I am saying, for I will speak to you in a parable. I will teach you hidden lessons from our past — stories we have heard and known, stories our ancestors handed down to us. We will not hide these truths from our children; we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord, about his power and his mighty wonders.”

{Psalm 78:1-4 NLT}

I answered some questions last week about our mission trip to Guatemala. After I had that post drafted, my friend Kayse messaged me. Among the catch up was this: “I’d love to hear more about Guatemala! What did you learn?” Well, now that’s a question!

The whole trip was a step out of my comfort zone. With travel and logistics, I ended up being away from Ben for nine days – the longest I’d ever been away from either of the kids. I spent the week in a country whose language I didn’t speak. So, of course, I learned some things. I saw new things and experienced moments unique to that time and place.

But one thing that surprised me and taught me was the way our team served each other.

There were 13 of us from five different churches Murray area and four others who live there and work for Bethel Ministries International. Very few of us had relationships before preparing for this trip. Sure, our local group had meetings since January, when we all committed to go. And we did some fundraisers together.

But seeing God work within our group – in our conversations, prayers, laughter and service – was something I want to hold onto. Before Guatemala, God had been showing me how relationships come – and sometimes go, unfortunately – with seasons. My natural instinct is to huddle all my people together – around the table or in my Facebook newsfeed – and never let go.

Serving together for a week will build connections – and those connections won’t look like other friendships. {Tweet that.} While building houses, we had conversations that mattered about our lives back home. We talked about what God’s doing in our jobs and with our families. We trusted each other with pieces of our stories.

One of my favorite moments from the week came in the hotel parking lot. The whole team had just gotten back from eating together when one of the guys shared with Greg and me about a hard conversation he and his fiancée were having across the miles that separated them. They’re farther apart than Greg and I ever were, but we remember how hard distance can be on a relationship. We shared some things from our own 17 years of knowing each other. Like a dose of reality mixed with hope, we told him how building a relationship that lasts is hard work but how it’s worth it. And then Greg got a chance to pray with him.

Those are the moments that bond people and build a foundation for what God wants to do.

I had other encouraging conversations throughout the week. I shared about our current adoption plan and pieces of my faith testimony. I heard about other people’s dreams of new jobs, ministry opportunities, and schooling decisions. {Read more about how we spent the week in Guatemala.}

One night when we were reflecting on our day, one of the guys said, “We were listening to all these worship songs that make you want to do something. And here we are doing something.” It’s true – together we worked and worshipped. God was there and he moved throughout the week with us. And I believe he’s going to do more because of that week together in Guatemala.

I was reminded how service can happen wherever you are. {Tweet that.}

Sure, it's easy to serve in Guatemala, where the needs are so obvious. People don't have enough food and clothing. One family we had met had never heard about Jesus. Another family had but gave their lives to Christ for the first time.

But needs still exist wherever we are – in a hotel parking lot with a new friend, while we’re sharing a meal with friends we’ve known for years, when I pick up our daughter’s birth mom for a prenatal doctor’s appointment, when we work in our ordinary lives, and down the street from our home that lacks for nothing. God wants to use us – and our stories – to meet those needs. 

I don’t want to unsee what God showed me in Guatemala so I can be sure to see what he has for me here.
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In other another moment in Guatemala earlier this month, I also learned Cate wants to be baptized. This was such a sweet surprise to end our week in Guatemala. And it’s happening SUNDAY! {Obviously, there will be more to come on that!}
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I'm linking up with Emily Freeman for my favorite monthly recaps. Read other Things I Learned posts :: {From 2013} June. July. August. September. October. November. {From 2014} January. February. March. April. May. June. July. August. September. October. November. December. {From 2015} January. February. March. April. May. June.

Want more insights? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

On dreaming together

He asked me out for ice cream when I was 18, still a college freshman trying to find my footing in an independent life I was trying so hard to embrace. I soon realized I didn’t love ice cream like he did, but he could calm my perfectionist-driven heart.

That was 17 years ago this month. The boy who asked me out for ice cream became my boyfriend for most of my college years, took the brunt of my emotional growing pains, proposed marriage four years later, and has been my husband for more than a dozen years.

Greg has known me for half my life now. And when I say “know me,” he really does.
Marriage was really hard at the beginning. I don’t want to say it’s gotten easier – but God has changed us. We’re more in sync.

After all these years, we can dream together.

His dreams used to scare me because they were so unfamiliar to me. His entrepreneur spirit made me nervous. He’d suggest something that was different than what I had concocted in my head, so I’d reject his ways because mine seemed better. I wanted him to read my mind and was disappointed when he didn’t.

But God has shown me over and over how Greg has our family’s best interest in mind – even when he’s dreaming big. Maybe especially when he’s dreaming big.

{Join me at God-sized Dreams today for the rest of the story ... }
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Want more stories? Read about how Greg and I met each other. And then our first date. 

"Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

{Review & Giveaway} Team Us

It’s the month of love. Yes, according to Hallmark. But it’s true in my own story too.

Greg and I met on Feb. 7, 1998 and then went on our first date a week later. Do the math. Our first date was on Valentine’s Day. Ah, how romantic. Well, yeah, it was logistically what worked out when we met one Saturday through a mutual acquaintance and then made plans for a date the following Saturday after Greg called mid-week.

Y’all that’s 17 years ago. That’s half my life.

We really had no idea what we were doing then. Thankfully, now, we’ve settled into each other, come to understand love languages, survived some hard seasons, and become better equipped to deal with life together.

GO, TEAM TAYLOR!

It’s true that sometimes we – all four of us – put our hands in the middle of a pretend team huddle and then raise them up while saying, “Team Taylor!” We’re sports fans, so this somehow makes sense to us. After knowing (and mostly dating) Greg for the past 17 years, being married to him for more than a dozen years, and now spending the past 7 ½ years parenting our two kids together, we get each other, still like each other, and truly do life together.

It’s taken many conversations, tears, fights, road trips, hard decisions, game nights, and laughs to get us here. But there’s nobody else I’d rather be here with.

That’s the sentiment Ashleigh Slater expresses in “Team Us: Marriage Together.” She tells her story and encourages other married couples to do life together as if we were gathered around a table together. She’s real and honest – and funny.

The last three of the 10 chapters – “The Parent Trap,” “The Friendship Inventory,” and “Finishing Well” – were my favorites. I could relate to them. As she talked about her husband’s tendencies and how here natural response is different than hers reminded me of Greg and me. I was reminded how relying on a team approach brings grace and peace, diffusing selfishness and frustration.

I appreciated her pop culture references, found myself nodding in agreement, and was encouraged to keep doing what we’re doing here at Team Taylor. I also liked the “Ted Says” tidbits throughout, offering perspective from her husband. And I thanked God for the past 17 years – the good days and the hard days, the seasons I understood and the times that couldn’t pass quick enough, and certainly all the ways he’s changed us as individuals and as teammates.

“We want to finish well too. Someday we want our kids and grandkids to look back and remember how we honored those sacred words ‘I do’ and ‘I promise’ and ‘I will’ that we vowed before friends, family, and, most importantly, God. We want our story to point others to Christ’s dramatic story of steadfast commitment to us.”

{Ashleigh Slater in “Team Us”}

Greg and I want that too. We haven’t arrived, but we are in this adventure together. We want our imperfections to spur us onto God, who can unify even the most stubborn hearts.

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ABOUT THE BOOK :: “Team Us: Marriage Together” offers couples practical ways to cultivate and strengthen unity in their marriages. Author Ashleigh Slater shares from her own marriage as she presents couples with realistic ideas on how to foster cooperation, deepen commitment, and exercise grace on a daily basis. 176 pages. Paperback. Official website. Buy at Amazon.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR :: Ashleigh Slater is wife to Ted and mom to four girls. She’s a regular contributor for several popular websites and blogs and has had articles published in magazines including Focus on the Family’s “Thriving Family.” Learn more at her website or follow her on Twitter.

GIVEAWAY :: And there’s a copy for one you! Use the Rafflecopter below for multiple ways to enter to win. If you’re married, I’d love to hear about how you’ve gone from an individual outlook on life to a team approach. If you’re not married, share something you’ve witnessed in another marriage. A winner will be selected randomly on Monday, Feb. 9.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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Many thanks to FlyBy Promotions/Propeller Consulting LLC for providing me a copy of "Team Us" as well as one to whomever wins this giveaway. I received the book in exchange for this review. My opinions are my own. If you've won this prize on another blog you're not eligible to win again. This post also contains an Amazon affiliate link. 

I'm also linking up with Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood's Gathering and Anne Dahlhauser's Front Porch Conversations. 

Want more stories? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

8 Things I Learned in January

January and I have a history of big moments, although this time our relationship was fairly normal. We didn't even get any snow. After a sickly December, my kids have mostly been well. They did have a simultaneous bout of strep throat earlier this month.

Without further ado, here are eight things I learned in this month ... 

1. I like essential oils. There. I said it. Admittedly, I'm just beginning so I have a lot to learn. But I'm surprised myself when I ordered a kit this month and have another ordered scheduled to arrive soon. (More on this coming soon in its own post!)

2. My marriage is stronger than my engagement ring, which broke. The thin, worn band has been resized more than once. I've worn it for 13 years and am thankful in that time Greg and I have grown, individually and together. My ring may be worse for wear but my marriage is going strong. (And the ring is getting an upgrade so I don't hurt pinch my finger in it, again.)

3. Fiction is good for my soul. I tend to read more non-fiction than fiction. That's all good for my brain. But I take everything so personally that all the applying philosophies and advice to life can be exhausting. I've read two fiction books this month and am looking forward to diving into others already on my Kindle.

(I read "Shoot the Moon" by Billie Letts and "Orphan Train" by Christina Baker Kline. I accept any recommendations.)

4. I like to plan but spontaneous adventures are refreshing too. (Read the latest one here.)

5. People like a deal. I guess I already knew this, but I sold several copies of my ebook this month with a sales promotion because, despite its drearyness, January is worth celebrating.

(It's still 99 cents through tomorrow, if you're interested.)

6. God doesn't care about my resume. Public speaking isn't my strength and I don't have a list of such experiences. Even so, I've been invited to speak at two events this year. Both involve telling our adoption story. So, if I'm going to speak in front of an audience, of any size, I'm glad it's about my favorite story.

And I even ordered postcards designed by the talented Lisa Larson so I could promote my ebook at these events.

7. I'm going to Guatemala for a week in July with my husband and my daughter, who will be 8 then. We're joining a local group led by some neighbors up the street, literally, who work with Bethel Ministries to build a house and distribute wheelchairs, clothing, and food. I'm sure you will hear plenty more about this.

8. I prefer TV shows to end their series when they're still on top. Like "Parenthood." I love it. There are so many real-life parallels. I feel like the characters are my friends. But ending on a high note, ratings wise, is better than dragging on. Like "Grey's Anatomy" did.

So. How was your January? What did you learn?
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I'm linking up with Emily Freeman at Chatting at the Sky. Read previous posts: {From 2013} June. July. August. September. October. November. {From 2014} January. February. March. April. May. June. July. August. September. October. November. December.

Want more stories? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

{Giveaway} A Lifelong Love

In the middle of “A Lifelong Love” by Gary Thomas, I read paragraphs aloud to Greg. They reminded about where we’d been or our friends’ current marriage struggle. The words were true and offered hope that people can change.

“Pursuing a more intimate union means wrestling with how radical this notion is that two people become one. This pursuit, through glorious, will go against every selfish fiber in our being. Many people want intimacy in the abstract more than they want it in reality – we want the benefits of being known and loved, but we hate the process of dying to ourselves that it takes to get there. … Once you get married, everything changes. Everything. Even something like sin becomes a shared burden. Nothing is faced alone. There is no dividing up, because you can’t divide one person without killing him, and you can’t divide spouses without killing the marriage.”

{Gary Thomas in “A Lifelong Love” – page 190}

I’m so grateful I’m not the same person Greg married 12-plus years ago. I’m sure he’s glad too. There were some hard years in there – mostly because I didn’t know how to love like Christ loves. Of course, I still haven’t mastered it but I’ve come a long way.

And that’s what Gary Thomas’ book is about. “A Lifelong Love” encourages people to make intentional choices in their marriages and equips readers with truths that can help them thrive in their marriages and lives. The subtitle alone prompts a question worth asking: What if marriage is about more than just staying together?

Oh, the possibilities.

“A Lifelong Love” builds on Thomas’ “Sacred Marriage,” which shows how God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy. Now, be encouraged to change the world around you, starting with your home and overflowing into the other places you go.

ABOUT THE BOOK :: Discover how to live out a sacred marriage. You believe your marriage has eternal purposes. you long for it to reach beyond your home and encourage others. But what does it look like to have a spiritually intentional relationship in the midst of dirty dishes, work deadlines, and car pools? This book includes discussion questions for couples. Hardcover. 316 pages. Official website.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR :: Gary Thomas is writer-in-residence at Second Baptist Church in Houston, a frequent guest on Focus on the Family and FamilyLife Today radio, and a popular speaker. His award-winning books, including The Sacred Search, have been translated into over a dozen languages and together have sold more than a million copies worldwide. Thomas and his wife have been married 30 years and have three children. Author website. Twitter. Facebook. 

AND A GIVEAWAY :: One of you will win your own copy of “A Livelong Love” by Gary Thomas. Use the Rafflecopter below to enter. A winner will be selected randomly Friday, Oct. 31.

a Rafflecopter giveaway
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Many thanks to FlyBy Promotions/Propeller Consulting LLC for providing this prize for the giveaway. Choice of winner and opinions are 100 percent my own and are not influenced by monetary compensation. I did receive a copy of the book to review.

Want more stories? "Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family" is available on Amazon. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, peek into my life on Instagram, follow 152 Insights at Bloglovin', or subscribe to receive "Insights in Your Inbox."

Pure Eyes, Clean Heart

Jen and Craig Ferguson tell a brave story that can encourage couples in so many areas of life. Yes, they share about the shame, anger, insecurity, and hopelessness they experienced because of Craig’s addiction to pornography, but their story is about so much more.

They learned how Christ could rescue them – individually and together – out of the darkness and free them into the light. As I read “Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography,” questions came to my mind: What lies from Satan have I believed that created division in my house? Is there anything I need to bring into the light?

I thought about convicting words and condemning words are not the same thing. In fact, they have the opposite effect on my life. Those times I was given the gift of truth are important to point me to God.

This book for both men and women is packed with resources and practical advice that are based on the Bible. Jen and Craig alternate telling their story and encouraging couples to talk and pray through their own struggles. Questions throughout are likely to prompt meaningful conversations about all sorts of subjects.

Jen is my friend who lives too far away. A momma to two girls, she is the facilitator of The Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood and loves to encourage women to bring their true selves out into the light. I wanted to share a little from her about her book, so welcome my sweet friend and her words here:

It took my husband about five minutes to decide to write this book with me.

Could this be humiliating? Yes.

Could this make people see us differently? Yes.

Would this be hard for us to try to explain to our kids? Yes.

But then…

Could bringing this shameful struggle to light bring freedom, not only to others, but to us as well? Yes.

Once we got fully engrossed in the writing but before we knew we got the book contract, we realized that even if this book never saw the light of day, we were grateful. Writing about things such as anger, forgiveness, respect, control, love, intimacy, and surrender to God means working through issues that impact our own marriage.

Whenever we have problems in our marriage that we choose to push aside and deal with “later,” it gives the enemy an in. Satan thrives in the darkness. He uses it to twist our thoughts and harden our hearts against our spouse. But when we agree to work them out, no matter how messy the process is, we bring those issues out in the open, exposing them to light. No longer can they sit and fester, but in the opening up, we allow Jesus to touch them.

And when Jesus touches, He brings healing. We see this throughout the Bible.

The demon-possessed? Healed. 
The bleeding woman? Healed. 
The leper? Healed.

Jesus wants to bring His healing touch to our marriages. Whether we struggle with porn, bitterness, alcoholism, anger, betrayal, or insecurities, Jesus wants to help us fulfill our marriage vows.

But we have to be willing to let Him in. We have to let Him work. And the hard truth? While as wives, we sometimes label our husbands as “the one with the problem,” we have our own issues to work out, too.

Craig and I made many realizations and changes in our marriage through God’s healing grace and mercy. We’ve gain great insight into each other and ourselves. This book shares our story. It offers hope. It offers compassion. But it’s not a cure.

Because only Jesus heals in ways everlasting and eternal.

As much as this book is about journey through my husband’s porn addiction, it’s about my own addiction to control. Just as much as he confesses, I confess, too. Because my initial response to his porn? Control. And if I’m controlling, guess whom I’m not allowing in?

Jesus. The One who heals.

Learn more about the book at PureEyesCleanHeart.com or Amazon.
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I received a copy of "Pure Eyes, Clean Heart" from NetGalley and Discovery House Publishers in exchange for an honest review. But, really, I love Jen and this message she and Craig are sharing. 

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A Dozen Years

I have no idea how many times in our 12 years of marriage Greg has said, "I have an idea ..."

Honestly, I haven't always been on board with his ideas. Especially in the early years. Yet some of his ideas have been good ones.

That's how marriage is. Two people. Lots of ideas. Some are more mutual than others. Some are better than others.

But marriage is best when the ideas are welcomed. Some ideas won't come to fruition. Others will fail. And still some turn out way better than expected.

It's in the dreaming and discussing and pursuing ideas together that make a marriage. There are times I should be slower to reject his ideas I'm not so sure about.

Ideas go both ways. Greg has embraced plenty of my ideas, but, of course, not all of them. It’s a balance that can be hard to achieve. But, I’ll tell you this, I like marriage more the longer I’m in it.

If people planned for marriages like we planned for weddings, families would be better for it. People have Pinterest boards with wedding ceremony and reception ideas for who knows how long before their wedding, but do people pin advice on how to be a good husband and wife? Do people research how to love their spouse well?

Greg and I got married on the hottest day Louisville had had in five years – which I know thanks to my almanac-quoting uncle. Four friends and my sister stood next to me and Greg’s two brothers, my brother, and two of his friends stood with him. Friends played music, snapped the pictures {with a film camera!}, cooked the food, and baked the cake.

The day was smooth and simple – as far as weddings go. Nearly everyone we loved was gathered together in one room. We spent so much time talking to them at the reception that we didn’t get a chance to eat and ordered Domino’s when we got to our hotel room.

Our wedding day isn't going to show up on any Pinterest boards or Instagram feeds, but I wouldn’t change a thing about our ceremony or reception.

But I would have spent more time preparing for marriage. I could have supported his ideas quicker, initiated less conflict over the ideas I didn’t like, and nagged less about my own ideas. Marriage, along with motherhood, has been the most sanctifying experience of my life. I’m a better person because Greg chooses to love me – and my crazy ideas.

Some years have been harder than others, but there’s nobody else I’d rather be in it with than my entrepreneur, college sweetheart husband. Here’s to our 12 years, the years to come, and more ideas than I can even count.
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Other anniversary posts: Five years. Six years. Seven years. Nine years. Ten years. Eleven years.

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{Giveaway} 5 ways to The Marriage You've Always Wanted

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Or as we like to say around here ... Happy First-Date Day! 

Greg and I went on our first date 16 years ago today. It's a story I still love telling. {You can go here to read the long version.} But, more importantly, it was the beginning of this relationship that has literally changed my life.

And I don't mean that in a totally sappy way.

Photo by Jenn Hall King.

Marriage is hard. But, after 11 years 6 months and 11 days in, I can tell you we think marriage gets better each year. Just recently, Greg and I were talking about our marriage. We both have quirks that annoy each other, but when it comes down to it, there's not anything we'd change about our marriage.

Sure, I could be more diligent about not opening the bathroom door numerous times while he's in the shower, letting the steamy air escape.

He could stop leaving his dirty clothes piled up in the bathroom and rid his bed-side table of piles.

I could consider not putting my cold hands and feet on him as soon as we get in bed.

And he could stop packing in plastic grocery sacks.

But this marriage of ours is solid because we've chosen to invest everything we have into it. Even so, marriage requires constant maintenance. One way I feel my wife role getting new life breathed into it is through some excellent books that I've come across recently.

My blogging friend Kayse Pratt recently released "Worth the Fight: Lessons Learned in a High Maintenance Marriage," a short ebook packed with wisdom, encouragement and challenges for married couples. {You can read my review and a little more about our marriage here.} I've also been reading "There's an Antelope in the Living Room: The Real Story of Two People Sharing One Life" by Melanie Shankle. Talk about real-life funny weaved together with truth.

And then there's "The Marriage You've Always Wanted" by Gary Chapman. I'm pretty sure it's going to be the book I hand to anyone I know getting married. The wisdom is practical and based on the Bible. I wish I had taken the time to learn more at the beginning, but I'm thankful I eventually learned the freedom that comes with letting go of the unhealthy and unnecessary expectations and held fast to what really mattered. {And, yes, I still have to come back to this and remember.}

Some of the stories in "The Marriage You've Always Wanted" hit so close to home that I read them to Greg. We laughed because it was like Chapman had peeked into our life. Other times I cringed because he was describing the selfish place I resided for too long and still sometimes fall back into.

Here's five tips inspired by Chapman's book for having that marriage you've always wanted. I'm sharing them with you, yes, but I'm reminding myself too.

1. Love with words that build up. As Chapman says, "One of the most powerful means of edification is the compliment. Find something small or great that you like about your mate and express appreciation."

2. Let your action speak love too. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love it courteous. Love is unselfish.

3. Communicate. "No, your husband cannot read your mind. ... Communication is an act of the will," Chapman writes. And communicate about everything, including money and sex.

4. Work as a team. Yes, husbands and wives each have family and household roles they are better suited for, but that doesn't mean the other shouldn't step in and help. An often frowned upon concept, Chapman describes submission in possibly the best way I've heard. He talks about the Trinity, order, unity and spiritual gifts and how those apply to marriage, which requires submission to be a mutual exercise. "Submission is the opposite of demanding one's own way and is required on the part of both the husband and wife," Chapman writes.

5. Leave your parents, but continue to honor them. Thankfully, we haven't had in-laws issues. Yes, our families are different, but we've found ways to enjoy them both. Holidays, vacations, traditions, and expectations are so rooted in our childhoods. Married couples need to make their own decisions and traditions, but learning from those who have gone down this road before us is always a good thing.
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ABOUT THE BOOK :: "The Marriage You've Always Wanted" (144 pages, Moody Publishers) is available now. You can picture the perfect marriage in your mind, but re-creating it in reality doesn’t come easy. Trusted counselor and relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman reasons that the most sought-after ingredient in any marriage is true oneness. In "The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted," he presents expert wisdom and common sense methods to establishing that true unity on emotional and practical levels.

Discover the wit and insight that makes his worldwide presentations and marriage conferences so popular. Are you trying to change your spouse? Do you know what it means to really love someone? Do you feel ignored or even alone in your effort to improve your marriage? Dr. Chapman has answers and action steps on topics from expressing your emotions to managing your money, all in a format that will have you and your spouse talking and learning with every page.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR :: As anyone who has attended one of his marriage conferences knows, Dr. Gary Chapman’s expertise in marriage begins with the success and failures he and his wife Karolyn have experienced in their marriage for more than 45 years. His own life experiences, plus more than 35 years of pastoring and marriage counseling, led him to publish his first book in the love language series, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate."

Since the success of his first book, Dr. Chapman has expanded his Five Love Languages series with special editions that reach out specifically to singles, men, and parents of teens and young children. He is the author of numerous other books published by Moody Publishers/Northfield Publishing. He also speaks at marriage conferences and hosts a nationally syndicated radio program.

Dr. Chapman and his wife have two grown children and currently live in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where he serves as senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church. Dr. Chapman holds BA and MA degrees in anthropology from Wheaton College and Wake Forest University, respectively, MRE and PhD degrees from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and has completed postgraduate work at the University of North Carolina and Duke University.

ON THE WEB :: Official website. Facebook. Twitter.
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GIVEAWAY! :: Somebody is going to win a copy of this fabulous book!

If you're married, tell me in the comments how long you've been married and what's one of the greatest lessons you've learned in that time. If you're not married, you can enter too. Just tell me a lesson you've learned from a married couple you know. A winner will be chosen randomly on Friday, Feb. 21.

This giveaway is open to U.S. and Canadian residents.

CONGRATULATIONS to Brooke Lowry for winning this fabulous book. Thanks to everyone who entered and shared some valuable lessons they've learned in marriage.

I received a copy of this book from FlyBy Promotions in exchange for this review. These opinions are my own. FlyBy Promtions is also providing the winner of the giveaway with a copy of the book. The winner is selected randomly, but if you've won the same prize on another blog, you are not eligible to win again. Affiliate links included in this post.
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{Review} Worth the Fight

"Haven’t you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

{Matthew 19:4-6}

In four days, I will have known Greg for 16 years.

Um, yes, I do need to pause here and ask, Where have you gone, Time?

I hadn't turned 19 yet, when we met through a mutual acquaintance. I was a freshman in college, happy for a new environment. All my future thoughts were focused on school and becoming a journalist.

I thought about my byline more than I mentally planned a wedding. In fact, Greg and I broke up a couple times in college, usually due to my insecurity that commitment was the right step. I'm not sure why I was hesitant to always be all in. But God eventually got the two of us on the same page at the same time about The Future.

He surprised me with a visit, flowers and a question. I was thrilled, thought they were pretty, and said yes. And we lived happily ever after.

Aug. 3, 2002

OK, well, that happily ever after isn't exactly true. 

In fact, it's not true at all.

Marriage is hard. After knowing each other for almost 16 years, including 11 1/2 years {exactly, today!} of marriage, Greg and I have decided we like it more the farther into this husband and wife thing we get.

Over the years, we've had communication break downs, far too many selfish moments, conversations about intimacy, conflicts about things I can't even remember, and clashing expectations. We certainly haven't always agreed on everything, but, thankfully, neither of us want a dog and cats make us sneeze.

We've been in the trenches. But together we've found a way back out. We laugh often. He beats me in Words with Friends way too often. We love to travel together. He's the best dad I know and makes me a better momma with each season of parenting.

What's better than fighting about the hard days is fighting for each other and the marriage you're building together. 

My friend Kayse Pratt is releasing today "Worth the Fight: Lessons Learned in a High Maintenance Marriage." She has a way of being encouraging, practical and real with her words that encourage couples in five areas that have proved essential in her marriage: Commitment, Communication, Service, Laughter and Sex.

This 32-page ebook offers real life wisdom, challenges to improve your own marriage, Bible verses to encourage, and a list of other resources.

"Worth the Fight" is a short book packed with so much truth. So, I'll share a favorite passage from each section.

COMMITMENT :: "Marriage requires commitment. ... God intended it to be for life, for me to love their women wholeheartedly, and for women to respect their men unconditionally. We might mess those roles up every day, but that doesn't change God's intention."

COMMUNICATION :: "When Jon and I were dating, we talked about everything. ... And then we got married and moved in to the same house and realized that 'good communication' was not exactly the same thing as 'talking a lot.'"

SERVICE :: "We are called to love unconditionally, and that means serving without reservation. That means looking for ways to make your spouse's life a little easier, instead of becoming embittered that they aren't making yours any easier."

LAUGHTER :: "Playing together leads to laughing together, and laughing together reminds you that you actually like the person you're stuck with."

SEX :: "God created sex to be a unifying experience between two people who have committed to serving each other for their entire lives. ... Sex is a way to physically express the miracle of marriage -- two becoming one."

Marriage isn't anything like I expected when I did get around to planning that wedding of mine a dozen years ago. But, you know, it's better. And I'm thankful I'm not the same girl I was when Greg and I met almost 16 years ago. Marriage is a refining fire at times, but it's worth the fight.
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As part of Kayse's book launch team, I did get a free copy of this book, but these opinions are my own. AND she's offering all of you 20% off TODAY ONLY! Just use the code worththefight20 to get the book for just $3.19. {It's regularly $3.99.} This post contains affiliate links, but that doesn't change the price for you and I'm truly encouraged by Kayse's words.

If you're looking for other family/house resources, Kayse Pratt also wrote "Getting It Together: Your Guide to Setting up a Home Management System that Works" {my previous review} and "Undivided Mom," a devotional for moms.
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Grace that smells like fresh flowers

While I was burning soup that was supposed to be our dinner tonight, my husband was buying my flowers.

Really.

Yes, I burned soup. To make it worse, it was my freezer and only needed to be heated up. For whatever reason, I put the soup in a pot and turned on high heat. And then I got distracted.

Some soups may have fared alright but the broccoli cheese soup was nearly overflowing the pot and full of burnt globs when I finally stirred it and turned down the heat.

I called my husband and the conversation went like this:

Greg: Hey, darlin'.
Me: I just burned dinner.
Greg: Do you want me to bring something home?
Me: How about we go to Zaxby's? Kids eat free tonight.
Greg: OK, meet me there in a few minutes?
Me: Sure. But aren't you still at work? 
Greg: I'm {pause ...} at Kroger buying you a treat. 
Me: A treat for me? 
Greg: I thought you would like some flowers. 
Me: That's sweet. And thanks for not caring about the soup I just burned. 
Greg: See you at Zaxby's in a few minutes. 

That's some real-life grace right there, where fresh flowers drown the smell of burnt cheese and broccoli.  

I'm still reading "One Way Love" by Tullian Tchividjian. I highly recommend it. I'm on page 167 of 227, but I would have recommended it from the introduction alone. While reading it the last couple weeks, I've had so many thoughts of grace and how it applies to identity and marriage and friendships and Christianity and service and parenting and daily life. And, like only God can do, opportunities to live what I'm learning are happening all around me.

This isn't the first time I've messed up dinner, forgotten an ingredient in the middle of cooking, or allowed my day to get away with me without making a plan for what we could eat. Greg has never made my identity as a wife be defined by what we eat for {or where we eat!} dinner. Even the time we both got sick after eating some homemade beef stroganoff, Greg didn't love me less because I failed at dinner time.

I didn't cook much when we first got married. In 2005, I decided cooking wasn't so bad and now we even have our favorite recipes. But plenty of times I still mess up. Yes, in the kitchen, but also in all the rooms of my life.

And then Greg walks in holding a bouquet of flowers. Just because he knew I'd like them.

This isn't the first time I've been handed a gift that has absolutely nothing to do with my performance. And by gifts I don't mean tangible treats like flowers, but all the expressions of grace that show up in my life. My husband has done it many times before. I'm blessed with friends who know how to spur one another one. I'm hoping my kids learn how to give like this. When I let go of my perfectionist, performance-based ways, I know that it's so much freeing to give and receive grace than keep a scorecard of successes and failures.

And God has done this since the beginning of time. Grace was God's idea. He showed the ultimate grace for me and you with his son on a cross. And he continues to show it in my life in simple moments, like my husband buying me flowers while I'm busy burning our dinner.
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I'm linking up with ...

Jen Ferguson's Soli Deo Gloria party, where grace abounds. 

Crystal Stine's Behind the Scenes, where real stories are shared. 
Jennifer Dukes Lee's #TellHisStory, where God moves.

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11 years and some surprises

My favorite picture from Aug. 3, 2002. Louisville, Ky.

Greg has surprised me in big ways three times in the 15 years I've known him. I'm not easy to surprise, mostly because I ask tons of questions. He surprised me the day he asked me to marry him. Then again 8 years he managed to have my family and closest friends keep my 30th birthday party a surprise. It was even a week late, which gave him the Mother's Day hook. Well played, husband.

The most recent surprise came this spring. Greg and I were taking advantage of both our kids being in school and spent an early lunch hour at a local restaurant that sells the best gyros. Not long into the conversation, Greg reveals he's been thinking about taking me on a trip. This isn't the biggest shock because we're often planning our next road trip adventure. But he said he wanted to take just me to a beach.

You should know, beaches aren't typically his first-choice vacation spots. But he knows they are mine. We spent the rest of lunch discussing where we thought we should go. We threw out all kinds of tropical spots. Truly, I didn't care where we decided to go.

The surprise wasn't where we would go. The surprise was that we were going. Somewhere. Together.

Greg and I are notorious for giving each other gifts early. We're terrible at gift surprises. We also are quick to plan a trip and say it's our anniversary present to each other. One year we bought one of those bike trailers for our kids to ride in, you know, for our anniversary. Hey, riding bikes seems like a good thing to do together.

Oh, so you want to know where we're going?

Do you see that? My husband is taking me to Mexico. In one month and 16 days. You know, for our 11th anniversary, which we're celebrating today.

I say Greg has surprised me three times. That's true if you're talking about total, out-of-the-blue surprises, but I've actually lost count. We've known each other for 15 years and almost six months. We've been married 11. We've readjusted our plan when God led us down new paths for work more than once, how to have babies, and thousands of tiny decisions that make up our life together. We've gotten off on the wrong exits or taken detours that became adventures. We've laughed when maybe we should have cried and certainly cried when we should have laughed. We've watched games and played games and read stories and told stories and created stories.

Our life isn't anything like I planned, so, really, maybe that's the biggest -- and greatest -- surprise of this thing called marriage.

Husband, I'd say yes all over again. I'd go through the hard years again to get here. Thanks for surprising me in the few big ways and thousand of tiny ways. Our life is better than the one I had planned for myself. Here's to another four decades together!
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Other anniversary posts: Five years. Six years. Seven years. Nine years. Ten years.

{8.8.13} I linked this post up with Kristen Strong's Out of the Blue, where we documents the stories that surprise us. Clearly this one fits! 

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Hey, summer, s ... l ... o ... w down. {a catch-up post}

Last week I didn't have a single appointment or play date or lunch on my calendar at the beginning of the week. Really, it's the first week of summer that's been that free. I loved it.

Yes, I had a to-do list of freelance articles to be written, computer tasks related to managing vacation rentals, and other things I didn't want to forget to do. We ended up swimming with friends, lunching with friends, working, cleaning, and playing. But I didn't have to do anything at a certain time.

Well, until I dropped off my kids at a friend's church for Vacation Bible School from 5-8 p.m. EVERY evening. They were fed dinner, taught new songs, heard Bible stories, and totally entertained.

So my husband and I had four dates last week. We ate a homecooked meal while watching "Mad Men" the first evening. We went out to dinner the next night. Then a couple I didn't know sat around our table for dinner around our table one evening as we talked adoption, diabetes and homemade Reese's dessert. On Thursday, Greg had a meeting so I got food from a drive-thru, scrapbooked some of Christmas 2011 and then got a pedicure. {I'm telling you, you can do quite a bit with three hours without kids when you're used to having a couple small helpers.} And then Friday night was double date night with our good friends Andy and Courtney, whose kids had been invited to VBS by my kids one night and ended up going the rest of the week.

And, hey, moms, I had a stroke of genius that lasted HOURS. I asked my kids if they wanted to see who could get the most jobs around the house done. So they fell for it. They put away clothes, sorted dirty laundry, carried toys and coloring books back to their places, and washed a couple windows and the front door. And Cate created a scoreboard, of course. The biggest surprise was that it even continued into the next day, when Cate asked if she could get points for doing such-and-such around the house. "Ben should get a point for napping," Cate suggested. Yes, yes, he should because I think that's the only day he napped. Yep. We're in that phase.

Oh and Cate lost her eighth tooth. She's 6 people. Only two months into being 6. She lost #7 and #8 less than a week apart. I didn't even realize the last two were loose enough to come out. Apparently she's a tooth-wiggling pro.

Our weekend included a baby shower for us girls while Greg drove Ben around to his childhood fishing hole and other places on his reminiscing journey and then an impromptu drive around Kentucky Lake, where Greg showed me some bays and camps I'd never seen. We also happened upon a playground with a nice view of the lake and dreamed of future plans, trips and ideas. We played mini golf with friends -- an outing you'll see more about because I have a blog post on that brewing my mind! We were rained out of a swimming party, but we ate pizza and played skee ball instead. And last night I managed to turn in the remaining four freelance articles I'd gradually been working on throughout the week.

Then there is this week. And, really, I love it too. Cate is at a robotics camp at Murray State. Ben is at VBS at our church. We have appointments to get our fingerprints taken for our adoption home study, which we're well on our way to updating for an agency that has piqued our interest. Of course, the fingerprints have to be taken at a location 45 minutes away, so we're going to make a mini road trip out of it. And I have some vacation rental responsibilities with renters coming and going. And I'm sure that's not all. I did knock out multiple errands while the kids were occupied at their respective VBS/camp this morning, so now we're going swimming.

So, there. An recap of sorts. I just didn't want you think I'd totally disappeared. I'm trying to get summer to slow down, but I'm failing miserably. Even so, it's been fun. And we still have month left. In case you didn't catch on, I really love summer.

What have you been up to?
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His & Hers

We were driving out in the country earlier this week when my husband noticed an older man and older woman simultaneously mowing their lawn. Like his and hers lawn mowers.

I reminded Greg I've never mowed the lawn and could think of better his and hers gifts. Like jet skis. Or rocking chairs.

{It's true. I've never mowed the grass. My dad and brother and even my mom did when I was a kid. Then I lived in dorms three-fourths of the year for four years and back at my parents' house where my younger brother also still lived for a few summers. Then I lived in a couple apartments, got married, and lived in another apartment. My husband mowed for awhile, six years at one yard and then a couple at another before he decided to start a lawn service for which he hired some to mow our yard and other yards.}

We like to sit next to each other and play Words with Friends. Sometimes we sit in the same room and read different books or on opposite ends of the couch that has two comfy corners watching our current show of choice. {Last month, we binge-watched "Scandal" in bed huddled around the laptop, thanks to Amazon having the current season, and now we're into "Mad Men," which has several seasons on Netflix.} Other times we sit close and let out lives become more intertwined as we swap details of our days.

He helps me clean up after dinner and sometimes rubs my feet. He sings to and plays with our kids, embracing family without hesitation. It's a good time of the year for congregating on the porch swing and talking family walks across the street at the park. And we're always up for a road trip.

I love to be with my husband, but I don't think we'll ever mow the lawn together. I've never done it and he doesn't like to do it. But we do intend to grow old together. My guess is we'll travel, tell stories, reminisce, try to beat each other in any game we play, and cheer for our favorite sports teams.

This couple in the country was sharing their lives as they rode around their yard simultaneously. I hope they have some his and hers rockers they can sit side-by-side in while recounting the day and years together once the mowing is done. Being together shouldn't be all work and no play.

How do you see yourself growing old with the one you love? Am I the only one who has never mowed the grass?!
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